he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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