Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
