Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
