I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I am one with the molecules
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