you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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