I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
