My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
