So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
