It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
