It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
