So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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