i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
