Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
