well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You are a genius and a whore.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
