Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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