I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
