Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
