The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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