direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
