so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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