Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
