I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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