I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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