It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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