They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
