so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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