Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ketchup is God's man juice
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
