Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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