OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
