It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
