apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
