I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
