Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
