We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
