all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
