just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
