MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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