UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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