Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
