I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
