I just pynch a tree in the face
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
