Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
