They should really pass out barf bags in church
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
