She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
