I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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