There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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