The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
