You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
