my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
