how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
